Sunday, March 01, 2009

Giving up her spirit...

The eldest sister of my friends, Jenny & Karen, passed away on February 20th. Susie was enough older than I so that I always knew her as their older sister. She was vivacious. She was far too young to die. She was mother to a boy my own boy's age, and one the age she was when I met her. It is for these reasons that I keep finding myself crying at the slightest mention of the goodness of life this week. I have been hit with sorrow so many times since the 18th, when I heard the news that she was doing so poorly that they were releasing her from the hospital with home health aids and pain-preventative morphine.

I am having one of those moments right now, in fact. I am listening to the five online songs posted at Joshua Radin's site, and finding myself melting in sorrow. Susie, as I knew her, was genuine, gentle, and sweet, while also ambitious. She was feminine and beautiful! Her smile was engaging.

Joshua's music has a tenderness that is knocking my soul about in rough waters tonight.

No Envy, No Fear
~Joshua Radin (c)

some are reaching; few are there
wandering from a hero's chair
some are scared to fly so high
well, this is how we have to try

have no envy and no fear
have no envy; no fear

brother, brother we all see
you're hiding out so painfully
see yourself come out to play
a lover's rain will wash away

your envy and your fear
so have no envy; no fear

when your sister turns to leave
only when she's most in need
take away the cause of pain
by showing her we're all the same.

have no envy and no fear
have no envy and no fear

and every day we try to find
we search our hearts and our minds
the place we used to call our home
can't be found when we're alone

so have no envy; no fear
have no envy and no fear

Mandolin, sing our sorrows!

Yes, I mourn for Susie's boys, left without their mom, at such a young age. I cry for her sisters, whom I adore, now looking forward without their strong oldest sister. I weep for her parents, who are self-sacrificing, and love others with loyalty I rarely find in people. I hurt for her husband, who could never have imagined when marrying this ball of energy, that she would proceed him to the grave (especially so soon!). I also cry for my family, who has been knit to Susie's family all of my life. This is not the first loss of my life, nor even the closest, but it is hitting me in an especially tender way. Though Susie was not one of my most intimate friends, she was like a member of my family, and I am carrying her memory in my mind so intensely. Her petite frame, her blond hair, the features of her father and mother. May the Lord carry her family, and the rest of us who knew and loved her, this week and in the months to come...

The other reason I am carrying this heavily now, is that others in my life are also fighting against hell's illness: Cancer. All I could do about it today was give a gift to the Susan G. Komen foundation in Susie's name...and continue to pray for another Susan in my life who is struggling against stage IV of this evil invasion (one variety of the "C" illness)...and my uncle...and our little friend in Arizona...and another in Florida...

As we turn our calendar to March, I also remember Mary-Claire, who, at age 4, lost the battle, too, just a year ago (3/20/08).

Damnable cancer. You do not have the best of any of us, as heaven brings healing and release from the burdens of these imperfect bodies!!

From Susie's funeral mass:

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
The Coming of the Lord
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.


Anonymous said...

all I can say is I love you and yes, cancer sucks!

ModMomMuse said...

Just discovered that Susan G. Komen Foundation gives money to Planned Parenthood!! I am very disappointed, and will find other ways to memorialize or honor my friends struggling with cancer in the future. I will be writing to Susan G. Komen to express my disappointment...

And, I love you, too, Susan!! Miss you.