Monday, October 19, 2009

Forget THAT!

Yeah, um, nevermind that gluten-free thing. It's too much to take on with 3-5 weeks till Baby is born, and the other 30+ foods we try to NOT eat. My dear husband lost a few pounds (that was fast!), and agrees we can try to eat FEWER bready foods (though he insisted on his famous bratwurst wraps tonight, and we had blueberry scones with breakfast), but he complained of starving (bless his heart) only a few days into the New Family Food Plan. It was humorous to me (clearly I wasn't starving him...), but I was finding the process of planning more restricted meals & recipes to be more labor than I need to think about right now.

Speaking of labor, I made the possibly poor decision to watch a number of homebirths on YouTube last week, with my children sitting one on each knee. Sharing with my kids isn't what I regret (I'm glad they clearly understand what to expect); what I think undid me a bit was the recall of that Ring Of Fire that comes at the near-end. Oh, you know, somewhere between crowning & shoulders! Oh...Man! Women are right when they say you "forget" the pain.

Because Logan's birth was relatively quick (3+ hours in total from first morning contractions on a Thursday as I woke to dress for work to his placement on my body which followed an hour water labor), and Teagan's was an Olympic sprint to the finish (she emerged within minutes of my being rolled into her birthing room), I have anticipated this coming birth as a piece of cake to be savored by all involved parties. Baby pushes, I push, a few tight-eyed grunts and out pops our son. Teagan's urgent birth was terrorizing to me--moving so fast as to steal all control from The Momma. Logan's was nearly-perfect, tainted mostly by his "blueness" and immediate removal from my side. This one...well, he's a whole different person, isn't he?

As an individual, he seems to have a different idea, already, about his entry into the world. I've been having such strong Braxton Hicks contractions for so many weeks as to be very on edge about the timing of this birth. Sure, sure, the little baby counter above says I have 32 more days...WHAT!?!?!? Thirty two more days!? How did that come upon us so quickly!?!? Oh, as I was saying, the little baby counter above says I have 32 more days, but I've already been contracting for about that many, and I just feel a sense of "readiness" all the time...that is a slightly disturbing mental state to retain long-term.

I am NOT necessarily ready, as I have these lists of items to purchase, organize, stow aside, etc. to provide for my midwife, myself & Baby Stephen. Birth may not need to be treated as an emergency, or as an illness, but it ought not, either, be treated as a non event. I know that my other children's needs/schedules have both helped to positively distract me from an already-passed eight months of pregnancy (again, what!? Really? Eight months have passed!?!?), but also may have prevented me from fully owning this moment. I have told friends recently that I feel in some suspended state of denial--we planned for, dreamed for, hoped for and prayed for this little life to come into being, as we looked at our family like one missing a member, and now he's almost here!

Who will this little man be? Whom will he resemble? What is his temperament? Who will he grow to become?

My elder son stated this evening that he's excited Baby Stephen will be here soon because it means Namma & Dampa are coming. Funny. He doesn't particularly care to meet his little brother as much as to see his distant grandparents. That's my boy! He has been stressed about Stephen coming, as we've observed from many behavioral issues we've been managing (or trying to manage) for a couple months...but I am anticipating that the physical meeting of these two boys will bring about a bonding that will last a lifetime, regardless of Logan's current concerns.

When your child has Sensory Integration Dysfunction (AKA Sensory Processing Disorder), there are many issues that "concern" him, and bring about anxiety. In Logan's case, he is hyper aware of scents which others barely acknowledge--especially those related to, say, diapers! Unpleasant bathroom smells which most of us sort of expect and manage to work around can send my son to a gagging response that almost causes him to vomit.

In a similar way he has ears like a bat. My parents nicknamed me Radar as a child because I have this same frighteningly aware sense of hearing. A buzzing kitchen light distracts me so much when I'm cooking that I'd rather work in a poorly lit room. I can detect dripping faucets from several rooms away, and an analog clock cannot coexist in my bedroom as the ticking second hand is as bad as water torture to me. Sometimes when I rest my head on my pillow the sound of my own heartbeat, or of my eyelashes blinking (no I'm not kidding) will keep me awake, tossing & turning for ages--hence my eternal issue with insomnia. My husband doesn't like music on when we sleep (that keeps him awake), so I have occasionally fallen asleep playing music through earbuds off of my iPhone. So, Logan has those kinds of ears. In kiddie music concerts at the library this summer I watched him cower at sounds that most of the kids in the room were celebrating. We have to be careful not to sit too close to speakers, or he'll cover his ears & tuck in his head in what seems like pain.

Give that child the thought that a crying baby is going to enter his world.

So, stinkie diapers and screaming lungs enter 1000 square feet with a SI kid. Yep, I can see where Logan's fears originate.

Add to that the fact that Daddy has been unemployed since Monday, August 31st, and our overly-aware emotional boy also kicks into gear. What does a family do without income? Will we ever buy a minivan to give us all elbow room? Will that hoped-for single-family house come to us sooner, or now, even later? How will he sleep at night? How will his outdoor playtime be hampered? What in our world is about to be upended?

So, 32 days...or less. Deep, deep breathing for Momma, frantic continued job search for Daddy, belly-kisses & whispered "I love you's" from Big Sister Teagan to The Swelling Belly, and a lot of anxiety from Eldest Child.

Lord, reign over it all!!

Over all the earth
You reign on high
Every mountain stream
Every sunset sky
But my one request
Lord my only aim
Is that You’d reign in me again

Lord reign in me
Reign in Your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord
Of all I am
So won’t You reign in me again

Over every thought
Over every word
May my life reflect
The beauty of my Lord
‘Cause you mean more to me
Than any earthly thing
So won’t You reign in me again

"Lord Reign In Me"
(Brenton Brown)
Copyright © 1998 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire). All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Know you are in my prayers for all this. Love, PM